In memoriam

2020 has been a crazy year for all of us. And it’s only half done. For our family in particular, the crazy better be about over.

In late February, we found out I was pregnant. And while we were certainly not planning (and honestly trying to prevent) this surprise, we were excited to become a family of five.

We got a new car because ours were all definitely too small to fit 3 car seats. We planned out rooming situations. We dug through what baby things we had left so we’d know what we needed. We bought a few things, made a few things, did all the normal stuff parents do when expecting a third child.

Then, at my routine anatomy scan at 18 weeks pregnant, (June 10, 2020) I got the devastating news that there was no longer a heartbeat, and our little bean had passed during the week leading up to it.

I was shocked.

I was angry.

I was devastated.

We made the decision to be induced the next day so that I could move on quickly through the physical loss and begin the mental healing. Hazel Mae made her appearance at about midnight of 6/12/20.

I had to go through a birth in a hospital, to only bring home a memory box full of bereavement pamphlets, footprints and a teeny tiny bonnet. Instead of a baby, I get a deflated stomach, and a bunch of whys. Instead of having our little Hazel Mae go through all of the milestones her sisters have gotten, we get awkward silences and “thoughts and prayers.” I get all the glorious post partum joys of giant pads and mesh underwear, but no baby snuggles to make up for the yick of it all.

On what little upside there is, I have a new, bigger, love for Charlotte and Paisley. They’re a light in these dark miserable days. Luckily, they’re too young to even have a concept of what happened. They haven’t asked about the baby in my belly. They just know I was sick and had to stay at the clinic overnight (like in Doc Mcstuffins.) They sing, and laugh, and willingly give unconditional hugs and kisses any time I need a little extra TLC.

I’m still mentally processing the loss. I don’t really have the right words or feel like I have the right emotions. I am mostly angry. Why did the universe give me this baby just to rip her away so cruelly? I go from furious to sad to forgetting and back again. I’m not sharing this for likes, or sympathy, or attention. It’s mostly to help me heal and face this head on. I’ve dealt with loss before. Obviously different, but the same. Life isn’t going to be the same.